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‘Oww,’ I moaned and felt someone touch my eyelids and gently moved them apart. ‘James. James, can you hear me?’ I heard a female voice say. ‘Of course, I can bl**dy hear you, I’m not deaf,’ I wanted to scream, but all I heard was ‘Eunff,’ ‘He’s definitely coming round,’ the same female voice said to someone else. I managed to f***e open my other eye and I could now see that I was in a room with sunlight streaming through the windows. I found I could now move my arm a little but something tugged on it and I felt a little sharp pain. ‘Try to lay still, James, you have a drip in your arm and I don’t want you to pull it out.’ I heard the female voice say. Drip in my arm, that’s very funny I thought and started to giggle, but stopped as my side began to ache once more. I raised my head a fraction and then it flopped back again as if my neck muscles didn’t exist. ‘James, do you know where you are?’ The voice sounded American and that confused me. I tried to speak but my mouth was so dry. , crashed out, intent on sleeping through the rest of the weekend. That way it couldn’t get any worse, right? Wrong. It can always get worse. I was rudely awakened early on Saturday when Steve came round to use my washing machine. He has my spare keys so he let himself in, but if you knew Steve you’d know that if you want to sleep while he’s in the building, you’ve got no hope unless he’s comatose first. ‘Morning Mate! Coffee?’ he shouted as he walked past the bedroom door, casually slapping it first, to be assured of my full attention. Any response I might ordinarily have made would have been truncated to one syllable as Steve found the power button on the hi-fi. No one should have to listen to U2 first thing in the morning. It says so in the Geneva Convention – doesn’t it? Well, if it doesn’t, I can make a bloody good case for getting it added. Not that it’d make a blind bit of difference – Steve hasn’t heard of the Geneva Convention, let alone read it. I was lying on my bed of.
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